I wake up from a wonderful dream. Something strange, evil and invisible is in my room.
Nothing palpable, nothing real. Only the hand that’s gliding up my thigh is very real.
My dad who wants to wake me because I overslept? My fingers move to the head that belongs to this crawling hand. Nobody in this house has hair this short, nobody breathes like this, smells like this. I am aghast. Am I really awake? This is my room, my sanctuary. Who dares to cross these boundaries?
How dare you? What the hell are you doing here?
The faceless guy doesn’t answer. He grabs my pants, wants to undress me. I can’t let him to do this. I pull them up again. Back and forth it goes. There is no fear. No loud voice, to cry for help, either. Both are somewhere else. There is only rage and the pure will to no let this happen. The books and glasses on my nightstand are falling down. They don’t seem to make any noise. I push him away from me, off me. Again and again. Not for much longer. He is getting stronger. His eyes are dull, far away, unbridled, unfocused. He is sitting on top of me. I surrender. I can’t fight anymore. My brain goes to black mode, my body is only a piece of wood.
His finger inside me. That’s it, the unthinkable happens. Now.
Not like this. Not now. Not with him.
I am still a virgin and I’m so in love. I want to give my body to my lover only. Sudden strength. Fully awake, back in my mind, back in my body.
Now everything happens really fast. I take control. He has lost, I push him through the front door. The sun is rising, it is May. I kill you, he says, I kill you, I kill you. His first coherent words. He looks at me, I am half naked. You have to get dressed, he says, or you will catch a cold. The only thing I want to know is why he invaded my room, my privacy. Why he thought this was okay. I ask him again and again. No answer. I hold on to him. He breaks away. Runs away. It is over.
Where is the time? Has it really been a whole hour? What is this smell on my hands? Patchouli? My neighbor says, next time I should scream louder. I will remember it next time. The police comes around 9.30 am and doesn’t understand a thing. My parents, especially my mom, they would like to silence it all. They send me to work. I don’t hold it against them.
The women in our family are strong personalities. They had to be, because they were alone. My grandfathers left my grandmothers and build new lives for them in different corners of the world. I never met the old men of the family. I only know about my origins from the women.
These women were always strong. I never wanted that for me.
I am still in love. And physically intact. Because I was strong. I won. Obviously I don’t believe that, there was nothing to win in the first place.
My lover finishes the job of the faceless
It is about time, he says. But for me it is too early. I don’t say anything. I let him do his thing. It feels like a sequel. It is the sequel. He takes the trophy I defended for him. Loveless. Owed. Rightful. And then he is gone.
My friends tell me my face changed back then. My eyes. For me love and sex always went together. One night stands were out of the question. Now I have them. It is like going out for dinner. There are many restaurants. But you don’t dine out every day.